IF I THINK TOO MUCH, I MIGHT CRY AGAIN

I've never intended my blog to be a forum for unloading my troubles or stresses or for complaining about this and that. How can I complain about my life? I'm retired, with time on my hands to do all the things I love; I'm serving a mission for my church--giving back a little of what I've been given; I have the love of a beautiful family, who, though their lives have ups and downs, are consistently upbeat and supportive; a dear, dear husband who is patient, loving, and a great friend. So, my title may be a bit misleading...my tears have been flowing a lot the past week or two but...I'm tough. I'll be returning, tomorrow, to Guam for a while to help care for Marie's family while they bring baby number five into the world. Such a trip has mixed blessings. I'm very grateful to be healthy enough to care for them and don't begrudge one second of the time I'll be spending on a tropical island with loved ones, but I'm already anticipating how I will miss my husband!! We've been inseparable for years now. We're best friends, buddies, compadres, sharing laughs, jokes, foibles, failings, everything. We just celebrated our 38th anniversary. We go together...Ah well...I'm tough!

Life has been lots of fun lately. Our daily routine wouldn't inspire too many, but we're having a great time. Dad has worked hard on the yard, the woodpile, the rock wall, the deck, and his menagerie. If you look closely, you'll see that the engineer of this little train is a squirrel. Our yard is filled with squirrels, birds, quails, raccoons, and the occasional cat! All the drama of life acted out in the lives of these little critters. One little guy taught a particularly poignant lesson. We had a rental car for a few days, and we kept hearing an odd sound--over and over and over. It was this small sparrow attacking an enemy who was threatening his family. He was seeing his own reflection in the car's bumper and attacked the "enemy" over and over from dawn until dusk. Dad took the car to the wood pile one day and smeared some dirt on the bumper, so our little guy moved to the side of the car and repeated his agonizing attack. His futile actions reminded me that there are often times in our lives when we attack our problems in the same way as this little father--we cannot move on, and we simply repeat, uselessly, the same solutions that have never worked before. We beat ourselves up over problems we can't solve in a manner that has seemingly worked for us before. We haven't seen our little friend since we returned the rental, so, hopefully, he's moved on. There's great value on in moving on from that which we can't do anything about.

I have found a complication in my life in the form of a quilt for Ethan. I wanted something simple--after all, if I achieve my goal of quilts for all my grandchildren and children in my lifetime, I need to get going. So, I chose a "simple" pattern and have had nothing but trouble with what I've dubbed the rainbow quilt. I've made so many mistakes, picked them out, started again, goofed again, and started over. Now, there is a difference between me and the little daddy bird--each time I've learned a little more, made corrections, and tried again. Many times, I've wanted to just throw away what I've started, but I'd invested too much money in the material, plus my stubborn Kennedy genes wouldn't let me give up. I spent a lot of time getting advice and help from Aunt Joan, my friends, and even your dad. The rainbow quilt is finished and ready to deliver to Ethan. Do you think he'll know that there are so many mistakes in this quilt that it would never pass the critical eye of other quilters, or will the little label that says: "My Grandma Loves Me" be what he remembers??

Sometimes in this grand adventure we call life, there are times when the only real solution is to rid ourselves of the problem. Anyone recognize this hole? It's the old Beachum house which has stood on Maple Avenue for years--never changing, never improving, never making an effort for self-improvement, becoming an eyesore in the neighborhood. Someone finally gave it a decent burial!! I think that's a good way to rid ourselves of some old problems and bad feelings and useless grudges.

Tomorrow I'll get a stamp on my passport and an opportunity to serve, and I'll trust that all of you will remember that your dad is home alone. Pester him with phone calls, prayers, and visits. He and Vale have a busy month planned, and so do I!! I intend to share chicken on a stick with Connor, book talk discussions with Harmony, some art sessions with Ethan, long talks and laughs with Marie, maybe Ben can teach me how to use the WII, some DS adventures with Ivan and cuddles from Mason. I'll sit on Marie's porch in the midst of a tropical storm and remind myself that I am loved, cherished, and still teeth-chatteringly, heart-stoppingly in love with a guy I've only known for 38 years, as eternity stretches before me....Love to you all. Mom

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

-Christopher Robin to Pooh